2:35 AM on the Porch

I haven’t posted in a few days. I wish I was coming back tonight to write another triumphant update about transition and finding my peace, but the truth is, I’m sitting on my porch at 2:35 in the morning, smoking a cigarette, having a drink, and trying to figure out how to breathe.

​Gabi and I are no longer together.

​Writing those words makes it violently real. My Facebook status says "single," but my heart is just completely shattered. There are barely even words for the kind of pain I’m sitting in right now.

​Gabi wasn’t just a relationship to me. She is a profound part of my past, my present, and what I had so deeply hoped would be my future. She was the one who helped me come all the way out of the cage. She helped initiate my transition when I was terrified. She was my anchor in the middle of the biggest storm of my life, and tonight, that anchor is gone.

​I know relationships are complicated. I’m not innocent, and I’m not naive enough to think any breakup is entirely one-sided. But that doesn't make the reality hurt any less. The anger, the confusion, and the overwhelming heartbreak are suffocating.

​Tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life. I had to go into work right after the words were spoken. I had to stand there, put on a brave face, and do my job while my world was actively falling apart. The old me, the one who lived in the cage, probably would have completely collapsed or ran away. Instead, I stayed. I actually stayed two and a half hours past my shift to help another manager make sure the store was taken care of. I survived the night, even though it took everything out of me.

​Now I am home. And I am sitting out here in the dark because I can't bring myself to go inside and sleep in the bed we shared.

​I am lost. I am hurt. I am so incredibly broken-hearted. I don't know what tomorrow looks like, and I don't know how to navigate this massive transition without the woman who held my hand when it started.

​But I am still here. I am still Serenity. Even in the dark.

🩵🤍🩷