Countdown

Day 12: The Eve of the 31st

​I fully intended to sit down and write an update yesterday, but honestly? My mind has been spinning in the best possible way.

​Because tomorrow is the 31st. Tomorrow is the day.

​After 41 years of being locked in a cage, and after decades of pushing down the truth of who I am, I am finally going to sit in that endocrinologist's office. Tomorrow is when we take the next massive step and introduce estrogen into my transition.

​Today marks Day 12 of taking my testosterone blockers. The last twelve days of just being on the blockers have been a quiet, profound kind of preparation. It has felt like clearing the weeds before planting the garden. The physical changes are still waiting in the wings, but the mental clarity of knowing I am actively dismantling the old machinery has brought me a peace I have never known. Every single pill has been a tiny act of rebellion against the fear that kept me hidden for so long.

​But today... today feels like the longest day of all. It feels like standing on the very edge of a diving board. My stomach is doing flips, I am buzzing with nervous energy, and I am leaning heavily on my amazing partner to keep my feet on the ground. Having her by my side, someone who has known me for 35 years and who truly understands the weight of this moment, is the only reason I am not floating away.

​If you are reading this and you are in the middle of your own waiting room, whether you are waiting to come out, waiting for a prescription, or just waiting to feel like yourself, know that the anticipation is part of the climb. It is hard, it is agonizing, but it is so incredibly worth it.

​The next time I write to you all, I will be on the other side of that appointment.

​Send me all your good energy for tomorrow. I am ready.

​— Serenity🩵🤍🩷

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